Family Meditation Blog
Building Bridges With Words
I am a peace-maker at heart and I think through and reflect on the conflict I see around me.
On the pages of this blog, I’ll write about the tips and tools I’ve found to be helpful to families navigating separation, divorce, or conflict in general. I will reflect on my own experiences and draw out themes with the hopes that they might resonate with you and you find something meaningful in them.
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About the author - Dr. Sara Shamdani
I am a socio-political scientist, a published author and a mediator, with a life-long passion for learning and transforming. As a first-generation immigrant and a racialize woman, I think through and write about conflicts in various systems of operations, whether in family or the workplace and offer ways of working through and transforming those conflicts for the creation of stronger communities.
Check out this free Family Negotiation tool-kit that was created through research and data to help you understand the details of negotiating your separation. Download now here.
Atomic Habits of Difficult Conversations
In his book, Atomic Habits, James Clear writes about importance of small, incremental changes yielding significant and long-lasting effects for the person. Make small changes everyday and you will get compelling changes over time.
Borrowing from Clear, in this post I want to highlight the incremental changes that you can make to your approach to difficult conversations about conflict so you can get better results with your co-worker, boss, spouse, or child.
Co-parenting during the Holidays
Holidays can be both an exciting and a complex time for many, filled with grief and sadness. This is particularly true for families going through or having gone through a separation process. Although it can be challenging to navigate co-parenting around holidays and special occasions, you can create a time that is filled with joy and connection for your family. Read more to learn about tips on how to do that.
Constructive & Collaborative Problem Solving: Tools for couples going through a separation process
One of the essential pillars of collaborative problem solving during separation is together-ness. In this post we walk you through effective communications tools to utilize when talking to your spouse during divorce.
What I have learned as a family mediator: things that will help and hinder a mediation process?
Family mediation goes only as fast as the parties’ agreements. I have mediated cases where it only took 90 minutes to work out an entire parenting arrangement and I have also mediated cases where it took months to bring people closer together. Here is what I have learned which help move the mediation process along, save time and money for the couple, and the issues that will stall the mediation process.
What is full financial disclosure in Family Mediation and how do I prepare for it?
Working through your finances when separating often includes calculating child support, negotiating spousal support and an equitable division of your assets and arrears. We walk you through the documents that you need to collect for financial disclosure
The components of a sincere apology
After the Itaewon Halloween tragedy, where over 150 people died in a deadly crush, the Mayor of Seoul during a press conference offered a heartfelt apology as he paused several times to wipe tears from his eyes and collect himself: “I apologize for not apologizing sooner”.
Although the simple utterance of “I am sorry” is often a powerful path towards reparation and restoration, people crave a deeper understanding and articulation of the harm that has taken place. In this post read about the components of a sincere apology.
What can I expect from a divorce/separation mediation process?
Separation is hard. That is why mediation is available. Family mediation is an alternative form of dispute resolution where a professionally trained mediator, who is well-versed in family law, facilitates the negotiation process in a separation or a divorce proceeding. Here we tell you about our process at Parable and what you can expect at every step of the way.
In Praise of Avoiding Conflict
Avoiding conflict is often the healthy first step to managing every conflict, because it’s free and it can work pretty well. The only way avoidance causes problems is when we don’t recognize and accept when it’s not working.
A Childhood War Story & Helping Children to Cultivate Resiliency
It is now over five weeks into the Russian invasion of Ukraine and extremely distressing videos of dead and injured civilians, including the children and the elderly continue to pour out as a reminder of what war does to people, their land and culture. I am frequently reminded of the war that defined my own childhood. I was born into an 8-year-long war between Iran and Iraq that killed close to a million people. The resulting devastation of both countries left deep wounds of trauma on our bodies and minds.
A circle back to Science fiction
"My feelings are hurt", is such a wonderful sentence. My feelings. The focus, the subject of the sentence is the feelings, the feelings that belong to the person who is experiencing and narrating them. In this sentence, there's no "you", although the "you" can be implied, the focus is so strictly on the person who has been hurt. It's a simple utterance of truth about one self in its most indisputable way.
Family Negotiation Toolkit
Get access to information because informed decisions will lead to longer lasting agreements. When parties are willing to work through their disagreements with kindness and with as much peace as possible, it will serve the unique needs of their families.
Hamilton and Toni Morrison
I have been reading and reflecting on the criticism that Lin-Manual Miranda received on the release of In The Heights. In my research, I went down a rabbit hole and came across something very interesting: a critique of Hamilton (the musical) by the playwright Ismael Reed in a play called “The Haunting of Lin-Manual Miranda”. This play criticizes, what Ismael considers, Miranda’s smoothing over of Alexander’s Hamilton slave-owning ties and not even addressing his contributions to the genocide of Native Americans. I learned that this interesting play was partially funded by Toni Morrison, a very intriguing factor, so I dug deeper.
In the Heights: An immigration story and unconscious bias
I’m fascinated by immigration stories. As a first-generation immigrant myself, I’ve found that regardless of where people immigrate from when they immigrate with the goal and in hopes of a better life, many of those stories are similar. They seem to blend and create ‘the immigration story’.
The role of the advisors
Advisors of our lives have an enormous influence on shaping and at times contributing to, or transforming the conflict. The third party can remind the two parties in conflict what is ultimately at stake in the situation, what really matters, and what do the parties ultimately want. When we are deep in any conflict, we begin to lose sight of what’s really important. The third party can see with a bit more clarity, with a more meta-view of the situation.
Family Mediation vs. Court
Separation and divorce are considered the second-highest stress factor in someone’s life, preceded only by the death of a loved one. During this transitional time conflict can rise to a new level that hadn’t even existed before. Some systems and individuals can help reduce the conflict or contribute to heightening it.
The poems of my ancestors
I come from a long line of peacemakers. My grandfather and my great uncle were mediators and peacemakers in their large families and the small village they grew up in. I grew up hearing stories of how different people would go to these men, the elders of their community, to have their disputes resolved. Their calm and kind demeanor drew others in. It felt calm just being in their presence.
Prince Harry & Therapy
I have been watching the docuseries: The Me You Can’t See. At first I thought I could binge watch this show but the series surprised me. I’m not new to topics around mental health, particularly anxiety and depression, both professionally and personally. I have had my share of therapy and know very well of the incredible amount of work it takes to go somewhere to be able to look at yourself, your thoughts, your pattern of behaviours in order to understand and perhaps shift them.
Loss and Grief in the pandemic
My uncle died, and Covid spread like wild-fire in my family in Iran. My grandpa would die 4 days later after my uncle’s death, and one of my other uncles would be hospitalized in the ICU for about a week, with most of that time us feeling a sense of touch-and-go with his health. Those days are so foggy to me. I forget how foggy grief can be. How far it takes us, removing us from our surrounding and plunging us into its depth where we reel in pain for the love we lost.
Feminist Killjoys and the Royal Family
I watched the TV event of the year: Oprah’s sit down with Meghan and Harry and I have been thinking about allyship of Prince Harry. Or rather allyship in general. He said during the interview that although he had been doing the work before meeting Meghan and reading and educating himself, he grew up in an environment that active anti-racist thoughts and behaviours were absent.
Gratitude
I have a tasbeeh at home that I use for meditation. Tasbeeh is a Muslim prayer bead and this one was a gift to my dad from one of his friends who brought it from Mecca. I saw it one day at his place and asked if I could have it and he gave it to me. I am not religious but I am spiritual and my tasbeeh has been helping me to focus on my breath.