The components of a sincere apology

Photo by Steve DiMatteo on Unsplash

I was watching the press conference of the Mayor of Seoul after the Itaewon Halloween tragedy, where over 150 people died during a deadly crush, and was reminded of the power of sincere apologies. During that press conference, as he paused several times to wipe tears from his eyes and collect himself, Oh Se-hoon said: “I apologize for not apologizing sooner”. 

Although the simple utterance of “I am sorry” is often a powerful path towards reparation and restoration, people often crave a deeper understanding and articulation of the harm that has taken place. 

A sincere apology has several important components:

1. It is detailed. 

This indicates specifically what the person is apologizing for. Most often a harm is a result of several contributing factors, people, and systems of power that come together to have a harmful impact on someone. Although a sincere apology might acknowledge all the different contributions, it focuses on what the individual who is apologizing has done and what their role was.

2. It is an articulation of the harm done. 

Apologies that are often accepted as sincere are a verbalization of what harm was done to the other person. This means there must have been reflection and a deeper understanding on the part of the person who did the wrong-doing. People appreciate this reflection and deep thinking that the person has engaged with. It signifies that the person took time to truly engage with what had happened and how they contributed to the situation. This also marks an acknowledgement of the harm that was done.  

3. It is an expression of remorse over what they did. 

When people apologize authentically, they often express their own feelings of shame, guilt, and sadness over what they have done. They might show some of these through their tears or facial expressions or they might verbalize them. This often highlights another level of reflection, where the person who did the wrongdoing has put themselves in the other person’s shoes and they empathize with them over what has happened.

4. It states what the person would, and will do differently. 

This further demonstrates the reflection and the thought process that the person has done in order to understand the harm and work towards ensuring that it won’t happen again or what the steps they will take to ensure a different way of behaving. Sincere apologies must acknowledge the past and work towards the future. Those who have been harmed always want to know how exactly that act of wrongdoing will not be repeated and what measures will be put in place so that it won’t. And for that matter, those who were harmed often like to be involved in the problem-solving process.

5. It is truthful. 

Only apologize if you are truly sorry. Scripted apologies or those that are meant to gain political favours and appease the other person will often come across as such. People most often can distinguish between authentic apologies and scripted ones. Authenticity and personal truths are important steps towards reconciliation.

An apology should be viewed as one of the crucial steps towards repairing the harm that was done and restoring relationships and the sense of community that was harmed by that wrongdoing. As the late Queen said (but perhaps did not implement as well as she could have): “If we can’t admit the errors of our past, what hope for reconciliation can there be?”