Constructive & Collaborative Problem Solving: Tools for couples going through a separation process
One of the most important pillars of collaborative problem solving is together-ness. You and I, as a team, together, will work to resolve our problems. This might sound redundant, but I can’t tell you how often people come to the table to solve a problem and forget that in order to solve the problem effectively you need to get the inputs of those involved and that will inevitably involve collaboration. This means you and your collaborators are on the same team. In this equation it is the team versus the problem, rather than one party against the other party.
As a family mediator, I used these 3 important tools to help couples who are going through separation to have more effective communications and to help orient them towards their future rather than dwelling on the past.
These have been adapted from The Family Dispute Resolution Handbook, by Barbara Landou et al.
‘We are here to honor the past and work towards the future’
I had a family mediation teacher who used to say that repeatedly because the past will show up, no matter how hard you try to stop it. It is not about stopping it rather it is about what you do with it when it does show up. The past both informs us about the present and also colours how we view it. We can’t ignore it since it has shaped us. And yet collaborative problem solving will require us to actively and intentionally agree to act differently than in the past.
During the separation process, if you are a parent, it is important to know for yourself and highlight to each other what kind of relationship you want to have with one another in the future, when it comes to parenting your children. What would your co-parenting relationship look like? And how would you work towards that? In other words, what type of co-parent will you choose to be?
If you have children, you will have to co-parent with your spouse one way or another. And it is in the best interest of your children for that coparenting to be as smooth as possible, with respect and without a lot of conflict and tension. The less conflict between the two of you, the more it will help the children during and post separation. You will have to redefine and rework the parameters of your relationship with your co-parent. That relationship could be filled with respectful and effective communications that make your lives and the lives of your children much easier.
So honor the past for what it was and what it taught you, and work towards building a different future. Being future-focused helps remind you what kind of life you would like to have for yourself and for your children.
DO NOT expect that your relationship will change overnight or that there will not be setbacks.
You might have had a good session in mediation, or even have agreed on a few substantial points in your parenting plan and feel like you have turned a page in coparenting with the other person, only to start the financial mediation with some tension about the family home. Or you work hard with your co-parent to create a schedule for school drop-off and pick-up and your co-parent has been following the routine set out in the schedule but misses their pick-up time due to work and texts you to pick up the kids. In short, you thought things were going well and now you’ve hit a snag.
Recognize that these types of ‘setbacks’ might happen and in fact they’re very normal. The expectation that a person (or a relationship) will all their complexities and nuances can change after one conversation or one agreement is a setup for failure. People often, if not always, do not and cannot change their behaviours overnight. Those traits and behaviours that have been practiced for decades will take time to shift. Make allowances for slip-ups and mistakes. The simple process of knowing that they will happen, will realign your expectations and will make it easier to deal with those ‘set-backs’.
The important thing is to recognize and then encourage each other when positive steps are made and not to become discouraged when difficulties arise. And this is how you use appreciation as one of the most underrated tools of negotiation.
Appreciation as a Tool of Negotiation
It is so often the case that when marriages break down, the parties receive no positive feedback from each other. Giving positive feedback is a significant tool because it encourages collaboration between you. “When you agreed to let me stay in the matrimonial home with the kids for two years, I was relieved and felt that it gave us time to adjust. I really appreciate it and know that this has meant a considerable financial sacrifice on your part.” This declaration of appreciation is an acknowledgment of the support that one spouse provided the other one.
These declarations make us feel seen and we in turn not only appreciate that very feedback but also will make us much more likely to reciprocate what we appreciate about the other person. Acknowledgement of the smallest amount of appreciation brings people closer together and when you are negotiating a separation agreement with your spouse the more closely aligned your thoughts and ideas are, the more durable agreements you can make.
Appreciation is a tool of positive reinforcement and it has been scientifically proven that positive reinforcement is a very effective tool to encourage behavioural change. People often use positive reinforcement techniques for animal training and for children, yet this tool is often forgotten for adults.
One last tip:
Think back: was there a time that you and your co-parent communicated well with each other, were supportive of each other, shared values, and respected each other?
Often there were times that a couple communicated well with each and effectively; there were times when they shared some values, beliefs, and thoughts. It’s important to be reminded of those positive aspects because you know you have been able to do it before and you can do it again. In addition, this encourages people to be cooperative to be reminded of attributes that you admired, and perhaps still do, about each other.